A few of the football coaches' favorite lines:
I've seen better hands on a digital clock.
Young and cocky defensive coach at the chalkboard teaching all the older heads about 'his' defense. At the end of his 'lesson' he wanted to know what our older, wiser offensive coordinator thought....and he said, "I don't think I would run but two plays against that defense; and the second one would be an extra point."
You're going to run until I puke!
Don't be scared. If you are, go over to auto mechanics and get some nuts!
Son, what you need to do is take two weeks off - then quit.
Someone needs to slap that kid's parents. That's just bad breedin' right there.
Had a fellow coach tell a kid in the weight room that he was so weak he couldn't hold his pecker up to pee.
Heard a flustered coach yelling to a ref," You don't know your hole from an ass in the ground!"
She is trying to sell a pick-up for $11,000...but then she said she would be willing to "Go down on it." So, for $10,000 you can get a pick-up and...
A DT got hurt and he was calling for a back-up. Kid starts running out on the field and he stops him and says "Hold up, I haven't given up yet."
Going over personnel, I tossed out a name for a position and he looked at me and said "That kid couldn't play dead in a Western!"
Mom- I don't see why you won't play Michael.
Me- Well, he still has a little developing to do.
Mom- So should I take him to a camp? Should I get him lessons?
Me- You should probably get him a nut transplant as soon as possible.
Heard a coach tell a receiver with bad hands: "Son, you couldn't catch gonorrhea in Chinatown!!!!"
Boys if we don't make a play somebody's fight song is going to be playin' and it ain't going to be ours!
When asked what he did on base slant strong, our DT replied that he "Shot through the A-hole." Our DC told him that what he did on his free time was his own business, but out here we go through the A-gap.
You guys are small, weak, and untalented. So tonight our goal is to not get anyone killed. Let's Pray!
Coach Abe Gibron told his pathetic and winless San Diego Charger team as they left the locker room: "Okay men, let's go. If we win the toss try to recover the fumble. If they win the toss, try to block the extra point."
"That went over about as well as a pregnant pole vaulter!"
Reporter: Coach, what do you think about the execution of your offense?
McKay: I'm for it!
Coach, can we on-side punt?
"I don't know how many touchdowns I had but I scored a whole bunch of those 3-point conversions."
With about 3 minutes left in a game we were losing 35-0, a kid comes up to me and says "Don't give up, coach. Miracles happen, like on January 1st, New Year's Eve, when Jesus was born."
Our JV is short one guy on a field goal attempt...Coaches are shouting out his name. On the sidelines, he responds "I'm not on field goal! I'm on extra point!"
This morning, a short junior high kid says "I know I will get taller, my brother-in-law is 6' 4".
Me - Did you ice your knee after practice yesterday?
Kid - No, but on the drive home I turned the A/C on full blast in my truck and I put my knee in front of the vent.