..and the winner of the Doublespeak...

...of the Year Award goes to...Millersville University!

Accepting for the university is the Athletic Department.

Read the article that helped the Marauders clinch here.

Let's break down their "march to the title", shall we?

First, the headline:

Millersville to Consolidate Athletic Programs

Translation:

We're Dropping Three Sports

Lead paragraph:

Millersville University of Pennsylvania announced a reduction of three varsity intercollegiate athletic sports in order to strengthen existing teams' competitive opportunities and ensure a sustainable financial future for the athletics department, according to Dr. Aminta Hawkins Breaux, Vice President of Student Affairs, who oversees the intercollegiate athletics program.

Translation:

Rather than ask each sport to share a little pain, we're taking the easy way out and axing three programs.

...continued:

“This direction was made after careful deliberation when trying to concentrate diminishing budget dollars,” she said. “The University cannot sustain 22 intercollegiate teams and be responsive to growing needs that affect all student-athletes.”

Translation:

We'd rather not tell you who made the decision, but trust us, it was a tough process - we labored for minutes on end.

...continued:

The discontinued sports include men's indoor and outdoor track and field and men's cross country. Millersville, which fielded the second-highest number of teams in the Pennsylvania State Athletic Conference (PSAC), will move from 22 to 19 teams.

Translation:

All men's running programs are now dropped. While we may be unable to handle the higher-level mathematics required to stay within a budget, we are able to perform simple subtraction.

The difference between twenty-two and three is nineteen.

...continued:

The decision takes into consideration recommendations made in a 2006 study by the University's Blue Ribbon Task Force, the 2010 study completed by Oliver & Lindemenn, a nationwide athletic consulting firm, and an internal assessment conducted by the Department of Athletics in the spring of 2011.

Translation:

If you really want to pin us down and find out who made this decision, good luck with that. It was suggested by folks who either never worked here or are no longer around.

So...don't blame us...really. It was all those other folks...really. If you don't believe us, just try to find them and ask them...really!

...later:

2. How did Title IX factor into the decision?
With approximately 10 student-athletes participating in cross country, indoor track and field and outdoor track and field and approximately 20 competing in indoor track and field and outdoor track and field, the elimination of the three teams accounts for more than 70 participant opportunities, which increases the ratio of female to male student-athletes and more accurately reflects Millersville University's student-body.

Translation:

Thanks to creative number-crunching, we can use a small group of young men to find ways to comply with the Title IX quota system commonly known as proportionality.

...still later:

5. If the public can raise $200,000, would the three programs be reinstituted?
In order to continue to generate the operating costs, an endowment of $4 million would need to be established in order to sustain $200,000 per year. The university is not considering reinstating the programs.

Translation:

We "love" the trend toward extortion in college athletics that started at Arizona State a few years back. Now that the idea's catching on here in the east (see Maryland swimming), we considered trying it.

Horrible nightmares that included Nancy, Donna, and Bille Jean changed our minds.

...even later:

6. Will there be any more cuts to athletic teams?
In these difficult economic times we are always reviewing the entire budget at Millersville University.

Translation:

Watch out, men's wrestling...