No Swimmer Left Behind

Swimming version of "No Child Left Behind":

No Swimmer Left Behind (NSLB)

1. Swim meets will be held year-round, but only times achieved during meets on the third weekends of February, June, and October will be official.
2. Talented swimmers will be expected to work out on their own time. This is because coaches will be spending most of their time working with students with no interest and/or ability in competitive swimming.
3. All swimmers are expected to qualify for region and state competition. If a team's swimmers do not qualify for region and state competition, the low performing team's coach will be held accountable. He/she shall be placed on probation for one season. If at the conclusion of that season the team still has non-qualifiers, the coach will lose his/her coaching credentials and be terminated.
4. No invitational meets will be scored, as this would result in only one team champion. All participating teams will be awarded identical trophies or plaques.
5. All sprinters are expected to complete the 500 yard freestyle in less than 5 minutes. All distance swimmers are expected to complete the 50 yard freestyle in less than 23 seconds. Title IX dictates that these time standards will not be gender-specific.
6. In dual meets, neither team shall be declared the winner, as that would leave 50% of the participants behind. Unless the final score is a tie, it shall not be announced.
7. Any swimmer that has not met minimum requirements in the previous season will be required to swim in a remedial practice each day (in addition to the regularly scheduled practice). Lack of interest and/or ability will not be a factor in assigning students to remedial practices.
8. Attendance will be taken at all practices, but poor attendance will not be a factor in meet participation. All swimmers, regardless of practice attendance, are expected to be proficient and able to qualify for region and state meets.
9. Swimmers on teams that have been deficient in producing region and state qualifiers may transfer to (and be eligible to compete immediately with) teams that have acceptable programs. The swimmer's former program will provide transportation to the swimmer's new team.
10. Teams judged as low performing must pay all costs associated in transferring swimmers wishing to compete for private schools. This will include, but not be limited to: tuition, transportation, and their new team apparel.
11. Swimmers unable to understand the coach's terminology (descending, average, interval, etc.) will be provided an interpreter at the team's expense.
12. Swimmers unable to find their heart rate or swim time by using a pace clock will be provided calculators at the team's expense.
13. Swimmers labeled as "At Risk" of performing poorly in qualifying meets will be provided special individualized programs. This may require the team to hire extra coaches to work "One-on-One" with the "At Risk" swimmer. The team will pay all costs related to working with "At Risk" swimmers.

Now there's a chick with .... guts!!!

We need more swimmers like superstar Jenny Thompson. She recently thumbed her nose at the University of New Hampshire. Their alumni association wanted to honor her with a medal to recognize her accomplishments as an outstanding Olympic athlete.

The New Hampshire native said she wasn't interested in receiving an award from a school that had just dropped its men's swimming program!!

Way to go, Jenny!!